Christmas--Brain Cancer Style

The unfairness of "Life"

Let's start with the angels and the families in Connecticut who are forever changed. Do you get that we have no control? I am frightfully aware that there will be (likely) addiction, mental illness, and yes, suicide, that will come from this; (and trust me--having lost my son in a car accident 4 years ago November 12th there won't be any words people might offer that will assuage that grief).  I cried yesterday for the children and the families who would be made to suffer the rest of their lives. I remember when my husband told me about my son -- I honestly believed we could just start the day over. We'd just go back to that morning, I'd call him and remind him to slow down, ask if he was wearing a seatbelt, all those motherly things you say to your child. But I WOULD start that day over. Only no matter how much I considered doing so, the reality stuck that it could not and would not happen. It was SO frustrating. It continues to frustrate me. I create lives for each of those stolen from us. I see their stockings, picture their gifts hidden where their parents thought they were safest from discovery. The adults who were lost; some who died protecting OUR children. There were prayers being spoken in that school... Long before 911 got the message of the crushing tragedy. Some first responders might not survive--the memories more than they can bear  It is true that this individual did not "take" this town's spirit--he can't have THAT. But he did take their innocence. And innocence lost can never be restored. 

So from one mother to all the other mothers, fathers, spouses, siblings, counselors, pastors, physicians, and any others whose lives will be touched by this incomprehensible tragedy... We are here. And time will never diminish our love for you, your little lost loved ones, your spouses, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, children and so many more who are forever changed from this one man's rage and blind hatred. 

When you have cancer, you think your life is over. In those first few minutes your ears go into neutral and you just tune out everything else. You know the world is still turning, but you can'tt stay on the ride. Then a madman comes along and you again begin the search for fairness in all of life's "downs.". Ever notice we don't search for fairness when our future is bright and full of promise? Life is scary. And it most certainly, my friends, is not "fair.". It's just life. Until it isn't. 

Please stick with me! I have a blood draw on December 20th. Prayers are mandatory. If you have no faith, suck it up, hit your knees to the floor and say this: "Father, hey. We don't talk much. Well... Never. But... I am struggling with this tragedy in Connecticut. I am trying to piece together my thoughts on how this could be allowed. Mostly Father, I need to find some peace where I see nothing but injustice in the world. Seriously.  Where WERE you? I trust that You will have handled the murderous demon who took our loved ones. And Father, in the meantime, could you check in on my friends, family and others who may need you. Your will and not ours be done, Father. Fair or not fair, all will be revealed in Your time. Life is a flash. Please help me live it in accordance with Your will. In the precious name of your Son, Amen." or something along those lines! Ramble if you desire. Curse. Scream. God has heard it all and then some. He can take it. 

I will return to posting about my journey later. My heart hurts and i'd like to aid those struggling with their illness.  God Bless You friends! Stay safe! (And thanks for the prayer--don't worry, God won't tell!)

Oh!! And to my hubby for your help putting this together so it sounds remotely intelligent--I love you. What a care giver!

Til we meet again--LiveSTRONG!

You have Brain Cancer

Hi all,

My name is Diane.  This is a picture of me standing on the "wee bridge" at St. Andrews in Scotland in July, 2011.  Little did I know I was carrying a tumor along for the ride.  I have a lot more to say and share with you.  Make a journal for myself.  Some of the details are a little vague.  Less than a year after this picture was taken I was awakened in the hospital in Austin, Texas - my husband and my son Tyler by my side with worry I hope to never again see etched in their beautiful faces.  Before the three seizures that night which resulted in a ride to the emergency room on May 14th (my husband's birthday is May 15th - lucky guy), I was going along like any other hard working family law paralegal.  Typing 120 words a minute with only two errors (that's right).  You will never know how long it is taking me to write this post - it started about 25 minutes ago.  Sure takes a lot of thinking, re-writing, spell checking and patience.  But I can be patient. I was diagnosed with brain cancer - an oligo dendro glioma, in the left frontal lobe of my brain. Less than a week after the MRI results were in, I underwent surgery on May 29, 2012.  I have read and have been told by my doctors (and I am an on line reader as well - although I take THAT with a grain of salt.  I am told that 100% of the tumor was removed and I have to say that I am doing quite well.  I am frustrated at times by balance issues, headaches, frustration, fatigue - I am on chemo (Temador) for one year. Five days a week, for a period of 12 months.  I've just finished my 6th round and hopefully I will be considered on the downhill slope.  At least I hope that is the case.

Friends have been asking me to share my story.  I will start at the beginning - but the beginning is my life.  I guess you could call me a "Girl Interrupted".  I will endeavor to write down my memories since diagnosis.  My memory isn't what it once was, which can also cause problems.  Because now when I tell someone I've already told them something and they say, "You did not." I never really know if they're lying.

I hope you will be touched by my situation and that you will find something useful for yourself or someone you love who may be going through the same thing.  They say my cancer is incurable - but I'm alive today so I guess it is curable.  I'm banking on being that miracle you hear tell of.  Not just as often as you'd like. I'd like to share some gruesome pictures with you all too - not too bad.  Just MRIs of the tumor, the "after tumor" and a picture of the 23 something staples that stretched from ear to ear after surgery.  THOSE were fun times.

Oh yeah - fair warning. I am a faithful Christian and I believe that there is a plan for everything. I don't care that I have cancer.  In a perfect world, no one would have cancer.  But from what I've seen in my years on this planet, none of us has it perfect.  I'll write more, just shorter notes.  This blogging stuff is rather exhausting!

TTFN - bring on the followers!

LifeSTRONG and kick cancer's ASS!